Yesterday I had:
1 cup coffee
2 cans Monster Zero
2 bottles Water
5 bites chicken salad

I went to the doctor's today. He almost sent me to the hospital because he was pretty certain I was malnourished from all the fasting I'd been doing, but instead he did full blood workup and wants to see me back in a week.  In a week he's asked me to at least get on a multi-vitamin, which will help take care of most of the malnourishment part of the fasting.  He's also asked me to try at least some Ensure, so I'm getting some nutrients in somewhere.

So last night I talked to my mom about my relapse. She was more receptive than I thought she'd be. She said at least I'm asking for help this time and am willing to at least try the Ensure & multi-vitamin.  I told her I'd try one bottle of Ensure a day, but no solid food... today was just a rarity because my Ensure wasn't cold yet and the chicken salad was low in calories and looked really good and fresh from the deli.

Oh and I'm really not fucking happy with the number on the scale: 158.4.  I was 154 before I had that b/p with the ice cream. So by next Friday I've gotta lose at least another 5+ lbs.

Today I had:
2 cups coffee
1 grande Skinny Vanilla Latte w/ Soy (Starbucks)
2 sips Budweiser
2 glasses Diet Cherry Coke

I was able to get out of family dinner by lying and saying I ate with Maria and we ended up not going out for desserts because it ended up getting to be too late (it's almost 9pm here in Cali).

Have a doctor's appt tomorrow morning. I have no idea what my doctor knows because my therapist made me sign a release for her to be able to talk to him yesterday, so who knows if she's gotten a hold of him yet.  I just know she's concerned about me and not eating and taking the pills I take (which I haven't taken lately).  She just cares, I know, but sometimes I wish she didn't care so much. 

***Edit: After midnight last night, I ended up ruining my 11 day fast by b/p'ing on low fat vanilla ice cream my mom brought home for me when she went out to the store a little bit earlier. (I went to bed at 8-8:30, but woke up later and ruined my fast.) I'm such a fucking fat pig!!! At least I purged it out of my system, but still, I can't believe I gave in. UGH!!!

Today has been an okay day so far. I spent most of my day with Maria, the girl I've been seeing for about 3 weeks now. I feel so safe and comfortable when I am with her. All I've had so far today was 2 cups of coffee, a grande skinny vanilla latte with soy milk (no whip of course) at Starbucks, two sips of a can of Budweiser, and a glass of diet cherry coke. 

I haven't eaten food in 10.5 days. I'll find out tomorrow an accurate number on the scale of what I've lost since I have a doctor's appt in the morning, that I'm not looking forward to since having to sign a release for my therapist to talk to him yesterday. My mom is mentioning wanting to take me out for dessert tonight, hot fudge sundaes, which I really don't want and keep telling her we can't afford and such, etc. I will purge it if I have to eat it, but dear god I don't want to ruin my food fast. 

-Penny

So the day has finally come to an end. thank god. i feel awful, my head is pounding. all i did was take a bath and watch tv this afternoon. I cant seem to stop purging and i know my potassium is low. my feet keep contracting and iv been feeling like im having little heart attacks for days. the effort it took for me to take a bath today was appalling. im embarassed to say that i currently weigh 139 pounds. im at my "ideal body weight" but i feel like a cow. i have lost 11 pounds since last week and though im starting to feel less suicidally disgusting, i feel like a cow. 

today went as such

139 lbs.
7 cups of coffee
2 cups of tea
1 cucumber
15 carrot sticks

purged- 2 cans of light tuna

i have to stop purging. my knuckles are ripped to shreds bleeding and i threw up blood clots. tomorrow, i wont purge...and i wont eat tuna. i might just throw the cns out but that feels wasteful.  i will put them in someone elses cabinet.

tonight Amine and i are watching a movie together. we have been spending more time togeteher, i enjoy his company alot :) he keeps telling me im perfecct the weight im at but i still have 14 pounds to go.

So far today I have had 6 cups of coffee and 7 carrot sticks. I spent the morning watching TV, because I couldn't sleep, and then I had more coffee and talked with Amine for a few hours. It was nice, I like him a lot. I can see it hopefully going somewhere. :) He seems to be the only good thing in my life right now, everything else is spinning down a rabbit hole. Typing this right now is hard because my hands are shaking really shaky and my brain feels jittery. I just made another cup of coffee, and since the sun came out im considering running on the beach but i will most likely stay in bed.10 pounds down, 11 to go before my first goal. I have an ppearance on People's Court on TV next Thursday and I;m hoping to lose the 11 by then. Fingers crossed!